‘The Bachelor’ recap: Prom nightmare

This week on The Bachelor, tempers (and dresses) were short — and a careless comment from Rose sent Carolina into a spiral.

Let’s recap!

Before we get to the dates, we must take a minute to discuss the opening scene with Parisa and Natalie talking with Chloie about the dreams they had the night before. “I dreamt that some guy was trying to rip my teeth out,” notes Parisa calmly. Good Lord, that’s not a dream — that’s a nightmare! Fun fact: A quick Google search indicates that dreams about someone pulling your teeth out “symbolizes a loss of power, control, or self-esteem,” which sounds about right for someone competing on The Bachelor.

Natalie, meanwhile, dreamt that a baby penguin imprinted on her, but people kept trying to “get rid of it” because she “wasn’t allowed to have a penguin,” yet the fluffy little creature kept jumping into her arms. While that also sounds like a traumatic dream, Natalie thinks it means that she’s “feeling nurturing.” Girl, what? Anyhow, Chloie is hoping that this week, Grant will imprint on her.

She’ll have to hope it happens on the group date, because this week, Carolina and Beverly are the lucky recipients of the one-on-one dates. Shake off your disappointment, Natalie, Bailey, Alexe, Alli Jo, Chloie, Serafiena, Dina, Parisa, Rose, Zoe, Litia, and Juliana — it’s time to go hang out with a man in finance.

“Today, we’re going to learn about finance!” announces Grant. Cool, there’s nothing women love more than spending a whole afternoon listing to a guy mansplain money to her. But Grant won’t be doing it alone; producers have sent along Shark Tank guest shark Daniel Lubetzky and comedian Hannah Berner to help.

After all of the women change into their power suits, they take their seats as Hannah explains the rules: Women who answer questions correctly will earn “Grant Bucks” — some poor intern had to print out hundreds of fake dollar bills with the Bachelor’s face on them — and the person with the most “Grant Bucks” at the end of the date will earn “perks” at the afterparty.

That said, many of the questions aren’t based on facts. Hannah asks how much the women expect Grant/their future fiancé to spend on a wedding ring, and rose lovers, some of the answers are insane. Rose and Grant both say $20k (!), and Dina wants her fiancé to spend three months of his salary plus her entire salary for the year. But it’s Alli Jo, who answered “as long as it fits on my finger and he has good taste,” who earns the Grant Bucks.

The most soul-shaking revelation of the day, however, comes from Alexe. When the women are asked to write down the most risqué purchase they’ve ever made, her answer is so filthy, production blurs it out.

Moving on. Next, the women get to try their hand at a literal cash grab in one of those money booths. (I’ve always wanted to try one of those. Jealous!) By the end of the game, it’s Bailey — who strategically wrote down answers that would make Hannah laugh, since the comedian was the one handing out most of the “money” — who has the most Grant Bucks.

At the afterparty, she’s presented with a “menu” of things she can buy with that Bachelor dough: A champagne toast with Grant, a private dance with him, or one of his t-shirts to sleep in. Hold up for a second — what the hell is the Bachelor drinking?

The cat glass. The large garnish. That straw. I have a lot of questions. Anyway, Bailey chooses to spend her Bucks on one of Grant’s t-shirts, plus dessert and a champagne toast with the Bachelor. Once back in the holding pen, Bailey makes it rain with the remainder of her Grant Bucks, and the girls play along good-naturedly.

The silliness continues with Parisa, who challenges Grant to see which one of them can shove more Rice Krispies treats in their mouth. The Bachelor LOVES it. “I think that’s the most that I’ve laughed in a long time,” he admits.

Everyone’s having a great time… except Zoe. “I was so uncomfortable today,” she laments to the other women. “He was not looking at me at all, and I didn’t get to talk to him, and I was like drowning.” She starts tearing up, and the other contestants do their best to comfort her. But only Sarafiena says what they’re all thinking: “For her to be crying about not being able to have enough time… after she monopolized all the time with him on the last group date, I just think that’s hilarious.”

When Zoe goes to the bar to get a refill, the other women gossip about her — like, Girl, we’re all feeling insecure, get over it! Eyeing Zoe’s red minidress, Serafiena murmurs, “That’s the shortest dress I’ve ever seen in my life.” But she doesn’t say it quietly enough, because Zoe hears it, and she does NOT love it. “What a rude f—ing comment!” she huffs. But Zoe knows exactly how to get revenge. It’s tattle time!

And naturally, Zoe presents the situation to Grant without taking any accountability for her past actions. She says ever since last week’s group date, people have been making “jabs” at her, including this: “Some girl was like, ‘Oh, your dress is so short!’” The best part of Zoe’s whole speech is that when Grant inevitably asks who commented on her dress, she pretends to take the high road: “I’m not gonna say. I’m not here to, like, point (fingers).” Girl, that’s EXACTLY why you’re here! But whatever.

The Bachelor assures Zoe that this behavior is “not cool” with him. “I don’t want to see people throwing jabs,” he continues. “Don’t stop being you. If being you offends other people, you shouldn’t stop.” They seal their conversation with a kiss, which means Zoe got exactly what she wanted. Nice work, toots. Grant’s conversation with Juliana is much more lighthearted, and it, too, ends with a smooch. But the date rose goes to…

Congrats, Parisa! Let this be a lesson to us all, rose lovers: Never underestimate the power of Rice Krispies treats.

Twist! Rather than getting up to leave after handing out the date rose, Grant ends the evening by addressing the “rumors” that some of the women are “belittling” others and making them feel uncomfortable. “We have to be kind to each other,” he says sternly. With that, he leaves, and the speculation begins. “Did anybody have a conversation with him about this?” Juliana asks the group.

When no one fesses up, she turns to Zoe and asks point-blank if it was her. “I’m allowed to chat whatever I want to chat,” Zoe retorts. But she essentially confesses a few minutes later, tearfully telling the women, “Everyone’s so mean.”

Emotions are still running high the next morning.

“Every girl here is crying because of what happened at the end of the night,” explains Serafiena. The women are still reeling from being scolded by Grant — because they’re all terrified that Zoe accused them of being the one doing the “belittling.” Rose lovers, let’s leave the contestants to feel their deep feelings and join Carolina’s one-on-one date with Grant, already in progress.

Yep, it’s private jet to Vegas time! I’ll spare you the part where Grant freestyle raps on the plane (good LORD, is he going to sing every episode?) and skip ahead to their first stop in Sin City.

Awww yeah, say it with me, rose lovers: Love is like a leap of faith! Or in this case, a bungee jump off the (promotional consideration provided by) Strat Hotel and Casino. “I have never jumped off anything,” says Carolina, before she and Grant take the plunge. “I think I (jumped) off my elementary school bleachers, and my ankle hurt slightly — and I never did anything like that again.”

Carolina may be an attention-seeking diva, but at least she’s honest about it. And to be fair, there’s no way in hell you’d get me to say yes to jumping off a building once, let alone twice. Props to her. Once they’ve changed out of their lime green jumpsuits, Grant and Carolina head to Drai’s Las Vegas for dinner — and a side of athlete’s foot.

There isn’t enough chlorine in the world, rose lovers. But enough about me. Tonight is about Carolina, who is ready to Open Up™ about “some issues” that can “turn people off.” Tearfully, she tells Grant that when she was 13, she started getting tremors. She went to doctor after doctor, and it was only after she had a seizure on her way to school that her family learned she has epilepsy. Carolina says she can now control her condition with medication. Even so, she continues, she’s been disappointed by friends and romantic partners who aren’t ready for “that kind of commitment.”

Grant is moved to tears by her story. “I’m starting to feel feelings for you, and that’s not something that’s going to stay in the way at all,” he assures her. “If we do get married, no matter what you need, I’m always going to put you first.” Now that is a perfect answer. Go on and give her the date rose, sir!

They end the night with a make out session as the lights of Vegas twinkle in the background.

We interrupt this recap for some breaking Bachelor news: Beverly, the 30-year-old insurance salesperson who was supposed to have this week’s second one-on-one date, has left the mansion. For good. As Parisa explains to us, “Yesterday morning she was very sick, and today we found out that she will not be coming back to the house.” Damn! Everybody, please send poor Beverly some good thoughts.

But the Bachelor “journey” rests for no one, so producers quickly scrambled to turn Beverly and Grant’s one-on-one into a very small group date with Serafiena, Dina, and Litia. And it might just be my favorite Bachelor date ever, because it brings together together two things I love very much: Trashy reality TV and dogs.

Grant and his dates will be volunteering at Vanderpump Dogs, the Bravolebrity’s non-profit rescue organization and doggie spa in Vegas. Our Bachelor is a dog lover, so he needs to know how his potential wives do around these four-legged angels.

“They’re probably going to hear my dog voice today,” admits the Bachelor. (For the uninitiated, a “dog voice” is the specific, usually high-pitched tone dog moms and dads use when saying things like, “Are you the bestest boy in the whole wide world?” to their canine companions.) Grant gives a little fuzzy dog a bath with Dina, and then he walks dogs with Serafiena and Litia.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Carolina is spiraling about how hard it is to see Grant go on dates with other women. Yes, she knows it’s what she signed up for, but it still makes her feel like crap — especially after spending a whole day alone with him in Vegas. Sitting with Parisa, Chloie, Rose, and Juliana, Carolina vents her frustrations. “Even though I had such a great time with him yesterday, now I wake up today and I’m like, ‘I kinda wish I didn’t have that date.’” The other women do NOT love it.

“It was tough hearing Carolina saying all of that in front of girls that have never had a one-on-one with him,” says Parisa with a sigh. Suddenly, the mansion door opens and in walks Sarafiena and Dina. Though they were both on the group date, only Litia gets to join the Bachelor for dinner.

I guess producers didn’t have enough time to secure two more chairs for the table. Over dinner, Grant gets teary-eyed talking about his upbringing, and how his dad — who was struggling with addiction — used to tell him that his mom was the problem. Over time, though, Grant realized that his mom was the one “holding the fort down” while his dad struggled, and it’s one of the many reasons he loves her so fiercely today. Our Bachelor has now cried twice in this episode alone. Yes, king! Normalize men showing their emotions on television!

When it comes time for Litia to Open Up™, she tells the Bachelor about losing her father in a car accident when she was just a baby. Litia’s extended family – grandparents, aunts and uncles – stepped up to help to help her mom, and she’s forever grateful to have such a supportive and loving family. Awww, now she’s crying, too! They need to start putting tissue boxes at the table on these dinner dates.

As we know, Grant’s upbringing is one of the reasons he yearns for a loving, emotive, and love-filled family of his own — and he believes Litia’s experience means she’s on the same page. But instead of giving her a date rose, he gives her an iPhone… so she can FaceTime with her mom.

Just kidding — Litia gets the date rose, too.

Cutting back to the mansion, we once again hear the sounds of sobbing. It’s Carolina again. Not only is she still upset about seeing Grant go on a group date, now she’s got another grievance. Apparently during an off-camera conversation, Rose told her “something strange” about Grant: “She said that last week on our group date, when me and Grant danced together, he told Rose when he was dancing with me, he was thinking about her.”

I’ll admit it, rose lovers: At first, I was certain that Carolina made it up. After all, how many conversations about the Bachelor happen off-camera? Especially juicy ones like that? But… I was wrong. More on that in a minute.

For now, it’s time for the final cocktail party of the week. But this one has some very special guests:

The way I squealed, rose lovers! It’s The Golden Bachelorette’s Jack, Keith, Jonathan, and Gary are here to help Grant throw a themed party. Grant, you see, did not go to his high school prom — so tonight he and these Golden studs are replacing the regular cocktail party with a backyard prom at the mansion. Okay ladies, you heard Jack — it’s time to party!

While everyone has a good time dancing and posing at the photo station, Grant peels off for one-on-one conversations with a few of the women. Dina talks to him about being ambitious and successful in her career, but she insists that she knows the importance of work-life balance. In keeping with the prom/high-school theme, Alexe and Grant choose superlatives for each other, like “best smile” and “most likely to succeed.” Zoe slow dances with Grant and manages to get through the whole thing without crying, so score one for her, I guess.

Inside, though, Carolina is, in her own words, spiraling. “Maybe I don’t mean anything to this guy,” she frets. “I know I have a rose, but I’m about to leave.” And by “leave,” Carolina means “interrupt Grant’s chat with Natalie so she can confront him about what Rose said.” That’s exactly what she does.

Carolina confronts Grant with what she was told — “You told someone that you were thinking of them when you were dancing on stage with me” — but she refuses to name names. The Bachelor does NOT love it. “That’s a lie!” he insists. The poor guy tries to guess who made the comment (“Was it Bailey? Was it Dina? Was it Litia?”) but Carolina refuses to divulge her source. “I don’t want this to be a thing,” she insists. LOLOL, girl – that’s exactly what you want! (Also, how bummed are Bailey, Dina, and Litia going to be when they find out they are the first ones Grant thought of?)

By the process of elimination, Grant figures out that it was Rose who gave Carolina this false intel, and he immediately marches to the backyard patio to retrieve her. What happened next made my jaw drop, rose lovers. I was certain — certain! — that Rose was going to deny ever saying it, but she does not. Her response to Grant is beyond lame:

Bish, please. If you’re going to lie, you better be good at thinking on your feet — and clearly, you are not. “Why would I say that?” Grant asks her, clearly frustrated. “I wouldn’t do that… That’s like some player s—.” Rose tries to do damage control by telling Grant that it all happened when everyone was “spiraling” and “comparing notes.” She does eventually apologize. “Honestly, that wasn’t a good moment for me,” she says, stating the obvious. “That was a mistake, and I’m sorry that that hurts your character, because that’s not what my intention was.”

Grant’s all, “Yeah, we’ll talk about it,” but he’s obviously 1-800-OVER-IT. He gets up and walks off to find Carolina so he can assure her that Rose was completely, totally mistaken. Good news for Carolina, but bad news for all the other women — including Alli Jo and Chloie — who haven’t yet had time to talk with Grant tonight. And guess what? The clock is about to run out. The party ends with the Golden guys crowning Grant prom king, and giving all the women their own tiaras and the title of prom queen. Don’t they look happy?  

With that, it’s rose ceremony time. Rose, for one, knows her “journey” is about to end. “I was just talking about how there might be some surprises tonight of people going home,” she says, wiping away a tear. “And damn, I was talking about me.” That’s right, honey.

Rose ceremony roll call! Zoe, Juliana, Alexe, Dina, Natalie, Serafiena, and Rose (!) join Litia, Carolina, and Parisa in the Circle of Safety™. That means we must say goodbye to Alli Jo, Bailey, and (sob) Chloie. While my dreams of having Chloie be the next Bachelorette are probably dashed — the show is taking a break this year — I think producers will give all three of these women tickets to Paradise.

What an eventful week in Bachelor-land. Before you go, rose lovers, a few questions: Do you think Rose deserved a rose? Who is more high-maintenance, Zoe or Carolina? And would you rather spend the afternoon with Grant or a bunch of rescue dogs? Post your comments below!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.